Strange mental wanderings

Sitting here, cutting toenails, evening complete with cat for lap.
Rehashing memories of old relationships, waiting for my new source of gravity to come home from an early christmas party. Have spent evening reading someone eles's personal ramblings of their own life. Severe insecurity surfacing un-looked for. Not really sure what to do with it, where to put it. Have written it down, which seems like enough for now.
Discovering the box of love letters from most recent failed endeavor while looking for elusive post-it notes. Find myself suddenly listening to the music that permeated my life during the 6 months post break up with my first love. Still remember all the words to all the songs on that album.
Have felt safe today, surrounded by loving arms, to feel the loss of my mom. Still not really feeling ready to totally lose it, but feeling like I want to, and feeling like I have found someone who can actually comfort me while I do.
Due to recent near death experience of a close friend (rag dolling down a fifty foot cliff, cracking your skull in the process, to then land, unconscious face down in the ocean and NOT come out of it dead or a quadriplegic is pretty near death to me) I am experiencing a fear of further loss in my life. I know I can not handle losing another person close to me. Since hearing of the accident the fear has been floating, barley seen, just beneath my surface. Short, shimmering glimpses of it, especially during moments spent with the newest/oldest member of my family. It scares me, I don't like this fear. I don't like that I can not look it in the eye. I shy away from seeing it under the surface.
So today, I guess I have opened up one of the many trunks I am carrying with me right now. Was really worried that I might be leaving them behind. I don't want to do that, but neither am I ready to open them all up at once (I need to be sane enough to be able to hold down a job right?) But have realized I don't need to leave them behind...I can just open them a little bit at a time. Make spaces in my life for those trunks. Like today, a trunk from the past (both distant and recent) full of insecurities...
Amazing what one woman can process in the space of only a few hours alone...

Woman, Here to Stay

It appears as if this woman is here to stay. She's stayed with me through all of this. I see her get stronger every day, I see her accept her weakness every day. She rises to the surface more often than not. She is flourishing under a soft touch.
She is living life on her terms. Throwing other's cautions to the wind. Appearing perhaps reckless to others who are looking from the outside in. They can only see through the window, they don't actually live in the house. Avoiding people who want to tell her how she should be, what she should do. Gravitating to people who smile instead of frown when she speaks of him.

This woman. In her four inch heeled, candy apple red leather boots. With legs tall, long, and thin. With her ass tight jacket, and freed long hair. Wearing that french push up under her trendy T-shirt, that everyone comments on. Who stays out till one in the morning, and gets a little bit drunk. Who walks home, at night, all by herself. Listening to only the stars.
Who is this woman? and where did she come from?
I don't know the answer, but I'll tell you this much. I like her. And I want her to stay.

My Horoscope for this week...

All Signs...
This week the sun squares or opposes Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Mars (gulp). This is like shopping in the holiday rush hour. It's bruising. But in many ways it means the alarm has sounded. It's time to wake up from the dream. It's a culmination; it's a breakthrough; it's a release (No, it's Superman!) This generally means two things: resolution is at hand; but also clarity is now possible. Since defining the problem is half the problem this is a time of opportunity. Do you want to coddle your illusion or have it ripped away from you eyes? If you illusion is removed-you're disillusioned. Right? Nothing wrong with that.

Taurus
Opposition with partners comes to a head now. You're begining to see what you like and what you don't like-what works and what dosn't work. You can't change others because they are different from you. You can only observe the differences and try to understand them. You might feel guilty from trying to press your agenda about something. Don't bother. Whatever you did, you did because you believed it was the way to do things. If you see a better way now-great. That's growth. You can't fault yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before. You have more wisdom now about relationships and your home and family. This is good (you can't knock good)

I don't trust this first man. I feel angry and dishonest.
I don't trust myself with this second man. I feel out of control.

On the sixth day...

..the goddess created woman and man and the rain...
Today I feel cleansed. A trip to the underworld to be struck dead by the goddess who is your shadow ego (in the middle of the night while it is pouring rain) can do that to you. Especially the part where you jump into the fridgid november waters of the lake you have just shared your blood with (and must wait until you become one with the water around you before you can emerge reborn)
I feel as though I have spent the last 7 years suppressing large parts of myself. I feel like I have lost myself in this relationship. I crave my independence. It's harder to be alone, but today I feel like it is more important for me. The moments when I rely totally on myself in a day to day living sense I feel freed. I feel alive, like I can do anything. When I can get anything I want simply by nagging (a ride somewhere, someone to cook for me, pick up things for the house, pass me the remote) I feel trapped, like a caged animal. I feel like I am grasping at life, desperate clawed hands scrabbling against a door that will always be closed to me. The simple act of walking big city streets by myself, having to walk to get groceries, a messy house that is totally all my fault, is pure freedom to me right now. I have no-one to rely on to take care of me except myself. All simple decisions are mine and mine alone. I may seek advice, but ultimately it really is all up to me. I feel like it forces me to step up to the plate of my life and do something. The blame is all mine and it feels great. It feels liberating to have no one else to blame my life on. I need to reclaim this to be able to move on. And I don't think that just 5 days are going to do it. I can not reform this relationship the way that is stands now. I need to feel like I am an independent person coming full of self strength and worth, equally to this relationship. I need the other person to meet me half way. I don't know if he can. I don't know if he can look after himself, and I just can't do it for him any more. I end up feeling resentful of it, and so I demand all the little aspects of daily life to be looked after for me to compensate. Which only takes more of my power away. Not sure what to do about breaking those patterns. Not sure I can with him...time will see...