Today, for the first time, I feel like I have missed experiences along the way. Nothing specific, not something I can put my finger on, more of a feeling.
Realistically I know there are lots of experiences that I have missed. I didn't grow up in India, so I missed that experience. So far I have not experienced being a house wife in northern Mongolia, and due to current life circumstances I'll probably skip that one. I know we as human beings can never experience everything there is to experience in this world, it is just interesting to look back and feel it.
I guess today I am missing the life I know I would have had (and the experiences to go with it) had the last seven years gone differently for me. I feel like I have missed some cultural experiences of being young, of growing up. Something quintessential to this generation, to this place in the world. And it's too late for all that now. For sure, I can still do all those quintessential things, but the experiences themselves would be different. Because I am different now then I was then. It's not regret, it's just one more experience that I don't share with those around me. One more disconnect. I look back on the last seven years and there is some part of me that feels it was wasted. Here, again, is this feeling that my life is finally starting. And today is seems kinda late for that. Shouldn't my life have started years ago?
And maybe this is grief for the last seven years of my life, surfacing to consciousness for the first time. Grief for all the things I gave up to live and survive the last seven years. Wondering if it was really worth it. The person coming out the other side of those years is pretty amazing, but the time spent there wasn't. I gained some experiences that add to my "old soulness", but today I feel as though I lost some things as well, things I can never get back. Today I am seeing the by living the last seven years I closed doors on experiences. And I know that every time you open a door you close another one. Today I also feel that I don't need to get those lost or missed experiences back. Realizing that has allowed the grief for what I lost and what I never had to surface today.
An old friend, grief, by now. I feel tempered as a person by the grief of the last year and a half. It is a comfort to me now, it's a bittersweet experience in me. Not suprising really, it is a family legacy I guess, inherited sadness.
Today, looking bakc and reflecting. And wondering how I am going to fit in with this whole new life of mine...how will I fare?
Monday
Update on progress towards zen-girl-monk
Scratch bakery job. Turns out I did quit tomarrow. $$ not worth the effort to be there. Have decided that for few summer months left to us that I will be old hat and work with people desperate for vitamins and cure-alls. Not quite bling bling catagorie, but at least earns more bling than previously tried bakery. If I am going to do retail I may as well know what I am talking about and get paid for it.
Am also eagerly waiting to be REAL student with trackable and paper work induced status (ie: registered with student card) so I can access all the plum student jobs for the summer. Perhaps will happen this friday after I register (FINALLY) for classes...
Am also eagerly waiting to be REAL student with trackable and paper work induced status (ie: registered with student card) so I can access all the plum student jobs for the summer. Perhaps will happen this friday after I register (FINALLY) for classes...
Thursday
Scew this...I think I'll go be a monk thanks...
I have decided after today that I want to be a monk...no wait I'm a girl, and wouldn't that make me a nun? No no, I don't want to be a nun, I like the sex to much. Perhaps a zen-girl-monk...yay, that sounds good.
So it's decided I am going to be either a zen-girl-monk or totally independently wealthy.
I think most forms of work are dumb. Most of the work I have ever done is dumb. It is also terribly numb...as in numbING. I worked my first 8 hour shift of (retail) work in the last 2 1/2 months, and I can't stand up. My brain has decided that since I have been ignoring it for 8 hours solid that it is NOT going to start helping me out now that I want it to come out and play. I had forgotten that thighs could hurt this much. I had forgotten that I make a very good mental prostitute. I had forgotten how many times in one day I can say "Have a nice day" and actually feel like I mean it(EWWW, gross).
I wonder sometimes, do I have it in me to just not be super nice? Can I be that counter girl that you walk away from convinced that there is something large and particularly uncomfortable stuck up her ass and that is why she wasn't particularly friendly to you (it's very very distracting to have large things up your ass....ohhh my, did I really just say that?) I wish sometimes that I could be that girl who obviously dosn't care, this is just some dumb/numb job that pays her shit.
And are we really here again? Is this just a lesson in how not to care, or to just FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BRIE, STOP TRYING SO DAMN HARD!! Nobody cares and you KNOW that you will not be rewarded for it (and the "your super" lines only worked on me when I was 15)
My only consolation prize from today...this is DEFINITELY not forever, because there is school to come in 2 months (thank all the gods and goddess' for that one). AND of course this opens up the possibilities that it really isn't forever...I could quit tomorrow if I wanted to (oh right I need this money from this shit-paying job), but maybe it will kick me in the ass to find that PERFECT summer job...pays me lots and I NEVER have to say "HI, can I help you?"....(I don't think that is too much to ask, do you?)
So it's decided I am going to be either a zen-girl-monk or totally independently wealthy.
I think most forms of work are dumb. Most of the work I have ever done is dumb. It is also terribly numb...as in numbING. I worked my first 8 hour shift of (retail) work in the last 2 1/2 months, and I can't stand up. My brain has decided that since I have been ignoring it for 8 hours solid that it is NOT going to start helping me out now that I want it to come out and play. I had forgotten that thighs could hurt this much. I had forgotten that I make a very good mental prostitute. I had forgotten how many times in one day I can say "Have a nice day" and actually feel like I mean it(EWWW, gross).
I wonder sometimes, do I have it in me to just not be super nice? Can I be that counter girl that you walk away from convinced that there is something large and particularly uncomfortable stuck up her ass and that is why she wasn't particularly friendly to you (it's very very distracting to have large things up your ass....ohhh my, did I really just say that?) I wish sometimes that I could be that girl who obviously dosn't care, this is just some dumb/numb job that pays her shit.
And are we really here again? Is this just a lesson in how not to care, or to just FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BRIE, STOP TRYING SO DAMN HARD!! Nobody cares and you KNOW that you will not be rewarded for it (and the "your super" lines only worked on me when I was 15)
My only consolation prize from today...this is DEFINITELY not forever, because there is school to come in 2 months (thank all the gods and goddess' for that one). AND of course this opens up the possibilities that it really isn't forever...I could quit tomorrow if I wanted to (oh right I need this money from this shit-paying job), but maybe it will kick me in the ass to find that PERFECT summer job...pays me lots and I NEVER have to say "HI, can I help you?"....(I don't think that is too much to ask, do you?)
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