..the goddess created woman and man and the rain...
Today I feel cleansed. A trip to the underworld to be struck dead by the goddess who is your shadow ego (in the middle of the night while it is pouring rain) can do that to you. Especially the part where you jump into the fridgid november waters of the lake you have just shared your blood with (and must wait until you become one with the water around you before you can emerge reborn)
I feel as though I have spent the last 7 years suppressing large parts of myself. I feel like I have lost myself in this relationship. I crave my independence. It's harder to be alone, but today I feel like it is more important for me. The moments when I rely totally on myself in a day to day living sense I feel freed. I feel alive, like I can do anything. When I can get anything I want simply by nagging (a ride somewhere, someone to cook for me, pick up things for the house, pass me the remote) I feel trapped, like a caged animal. I feel like I am grasping at life, desperate clawed hands scrabbling against a door that will always be closed to me. The simple act of walking big city streets by myself, having to walk to get groceries, a messy house that is totally all my fault, is pure freedom to me right now. I have no-one to rely on to take care of me except myself. All simple decisions are mine and mine alone. I may seek advice, but ultimately it really is all up to me. I feel like it forces me to step up to the plate of my life and do something. The blame is all mine and it feels great. It feels liberating to have no one else to blame my life on. I need to reclaim this to be able to move on. And I don't think that just 5 days are going to do it. I can not reform this relationship the way that is stands now. I need to feel like I am an independent person coming full of self strength and worth, equally to this relationship. I need the other person to meet me half way. I don't know if he can. I don't know if he can look after himself, and I just can't do it for him any more. I end up feeling resentful of it, and so I demand all the little aspects of daily life to be looked after for me to compensate. Which only takes more of my power away. Not sure what to do about breaking those patterns. Not sure I can with him...time will see...
1 comment:
winter rain cold hard and unavoidable chilling us to a point of unrelenting awareness . . . symbolic journey real journey . . . we reach for what we need . . . blindly or thoughtfully we search to fulfill ourselves.
Journeys real and symbolic offer fresh perspective, the world turned upside down, or just slightly sideways and suddenly something crystallizes something else becomes clear.
i have learned to begin with myself. To examine and understand the tidal effects of others in my life, but to always return to the constant that is me. i have learned to know what i need, and to search for clarity in that need. The days when i squirm in entrapment, i look for the thing within that lacks food and light. An only child, I need and breath a solitude far deeper than those with siblings know. Time and space alone . . . and i have learned to find those aeons of solitude in odd spaces in the day . . . walking to work, laying up fibreglass in the spray booth . . . time that holds only me . . . the freedom and independence of alonenesss.
i have learned that when I neglect or ignore myself, i will grasp nourishment anywhere i can find it . . . and the food is not always good, does not always fill me, often causes much larger pain to me and the world beyond long after.
. . . and so i grow every day. . . expand and understand. Trust that life will hold me up and fall backwards off the safe cliff of conformity . . . falling backwards trusting .. . fall into myself. See who i am . . . see what i need . . . see how to best give myself to myself and to others.
You and i are perhaps more similar than we are different . . . stubborn independent taurean . . . growing up loving the same enigmatic funny and wonderful woman . . . seeking to please and comfort others long before we think of doing the same for ourselves.
in love and trust and freedom
i love you
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