Sitting here, cutting toenails, evening complete with cat for lap.
Rehashing memories of old relationships, waiting for my new source of gravity to come home from an early christmas party. Have spent evening reading someone eles's personal ramblings of their own life. Severe insecurity surfacing un-looked for. Not really sure what to do with it, where to put it. Have written it down, which seems like enough for now.
Discovering the box of love letters from most recent failed endeavor while looking for elusive post-it notes. Find myself suddenly listening to the music that permeated my life during the 6 months post break up with my first love. Still remember all the words to all the songs on that album.
Have felt safe today, surrounded by loving arms, to feel the loss of my mom. Still not really feeling ready to totally lose it, but feeling like I want to, and feeling like I have found someone who can actually comfort me while I do.
Due to recent near death experience of a close friend (rag dolling down a fifty foot cliff, cracking your skull in the process, to then land, unconscious face down in the ocean and NOT come out of it dead or a quadriplegic is pretty near death to me) I am experiencing a fear of further loss in my life. I know I can not handle losing another person close to me. Since hearing of the accident the fear has been floating, barley seen, just beneath my surface. Short, shimmering glimpses of it, especially during moments spent with the newest/oldest member of my family. It scares me, I don't like this fear. I don't like that I can not look it in the eye. I shy away from seeing it under the surface.
So today, I guess I have opened up one of the many trunks I am carrying with me right now. Was really worried that I might be leaving them behind. I don't want to do that, but neither am I ready to open them all up at once (I need to be sane enough to be able to hold down a job right?) But have realized I don't need to leave them behind...I can just open them a little bit at a time. Make spaces in my life for those trunks. Like today, a trunk from the past (both distant and recent) full of insecurities...
Amazing what one woman can process in the space of only a few hours alone...
1 comment:
Loss, i am discovering, is the part of life i cannot lose. Inevitable unexpected unwelcome and final . . . no someplace safe that i can stash away the important people in my life. Acceptance . . . like forgivenness . . . is a mighty peacemaker . . . what i may not have tomorrow, i can cherish with all my heart today. What i have lost, i can remember gently.
Good that you finally have the room and the safety in your life to mourn for your mom, for yourself, for all of the losses in your life . . . because they tend to call to one another piling up and avalanching down, just when one thinks that they have all finally left. Time to set all of that free . . .
Unpack the trunks give away the unimportant stuff, or leave it to melt away in the bright sunlight of right-here right-now. Hold gently what is precious. Lighten the weight of what you carry. Some days it might make you unbearably sad . . . but most days - if you let it - it can bring you great joy.
And trust yourself. Trust your journey. See and value your strength and clarity.
Know that we love you.
Post a Comment