A year ago today....

Last year, on this day January 13th, at around this time 12:20pm, I found out my mom had cancer. A short stunned conversation with Dr. Death (as he came to be affectionately know by the family) who couldn't understand my mom's reasons for not telling me the day before. Standing at the cash register at work, store empty. I have just gotten to work, because it is a thursday. Giant racking howling sobs. Soon after I am sitting in the quiet room, on the phone to husband, school(won't be there this weekend, so sorry), who else to tell, can't think. Off to the hospital, to sit in the emergency room with my mother who has tumors in her lung, both adrenal glands, and her brain. A whole 10 inches of cells that don't really know what they are doing, except that they want to live forever (which is silly really because their existence defeats their goal of immortality because they are killing the system they live inside) I spend all day sitting with my mom and the ten inches of silly cells.
And here I am. A year later. I think I have said this before (on numerous occasions I am sure) but today I will say it again. I am glad that we can't not see into our futures. I believe that we would not understand, confuse us. If I had stood up in that hospital a year ago and suddenly seen myself as I am today what would I have thought. How drastically has my life changed, and without the context of how it all happened I am sure it would appear crazy to my past self. Mom's gone (those silly cells), Husband is gone, left to fend for himself in crazier pastures. New house, better relationship with my dad, connections with family. Cats still here, I'm still here. But the icing on the cake (in more ways than one) would be Chris. Past self I think could niggle out a story or two about all the above, to explain them away, give herself some context for where she has none. I don't know what she would do about seeing Chris in her future in the way that he is in my present. So unexpected, un-looked for, in a way deeply un-explainable. Good thing I can't see my future. I think it would just really freak me out (all the good and all the bad). Or perhaps, if past self could see how happy I am today she would understand. If she could see how changed for the better I am, not in spite of everything that has happened, but because of it she would not be confused, but ready....I'm still glad I can't see....